I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.