Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You Might Also Like
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Very good! 👍😂
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
why isn’t thunder called soundning
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.