“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?