I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered