Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them