me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
The weather is turning so I鈥檝e swapped out my daughter鈥檚 summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son鈥檚 shorts for his other shorts.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
it is time once again
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don鈥檛 think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I鈥檓 bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I鈥檓 not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let鈥檚 take a second look.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350掳 for 45 minutes.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
How all things should be taught/explained.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too