Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Can’t. Being lazy.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.