Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Strange
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.