The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Spotted in New Orleans.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.