Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
no one likes gloating
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.