uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Incredible customer service.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
San Francisco has too many rules
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.