Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
🤣😂🤣
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
R.I.P.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives