if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”