I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.