My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Meow
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though