Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
👾👾👾
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Feel. He’s so soft.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare