Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Note to self: I am a note
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.