[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
kitchen magnet
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My first son he is wonderful
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.