UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”