asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok