boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Google Pay be like:
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.