I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
same bro
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.