Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“i miss shittin on people”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Worth remembering.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”