It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out