When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*