me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.