Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?