Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
is this how new cars are made??
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
it be like that
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES