Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!