In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.