Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You Might Also Like
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK