We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son