Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision