her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane