remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Xylophonist Shredding It
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*orders delivery*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.