Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.