Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*looks at you in batman voice*