Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My Sentiments Exactly
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?