People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.