My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
fr
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.