I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird