If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*Inspirational Tweets*
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler