7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.