*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
huge if true: the moon
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.