Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock