Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Food gives you energy to nap more.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats