Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Never forget.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?