I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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Snapes on a plane.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”