My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The game has officially changed 😎
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!