Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
just gave your address to some spiders
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…